Infographic for toddlers: How to make your mother’s head spin – Bedtime Edition

Bedtime. It’s the best time of day and the worst time of day. It fills me with so much anxiety and so many questions.

  • Who should I put to bed first? Baby or toddler? Who is more likely to wake who up?
  • Did I hide all of the long, annoying books adequately?
  • Where’s the cup for the potty? Undoubtedly she is going to want to potty when I am done…

Because she is the master of bedtime mischief, I asked Gabby to create this infographic for any toddlers in need of tips to drive their moms BATSHIT. CRAZY. at bedtime. Here you go:

Infographic: How to drive your mother insane at bedtime

More stuff the noise machine said

Hey, remember that time I confessed that I heard a robotic voice that says weird phrases to me when the noise machine is on in the kids’ room? Click here to reminisce with me about my crazy.

Me attempting to be terrified

Me attempting to be terrified

It is still happening. Not as much as in the past, since I’ve been spending less time rocking the kids, but still… It hasn’t gotten much better. Here are some of the latest sweet nothings it has been whispering to me in the dark.

  • One percent is yours. One percent of what you crook?!? I don’t owe you anything.
  • Don’t you have to potty? No, but thanks for asking. I’m a big girl. It’s called a toilet.
  • When you’re right, you’re right. Now you’re talking! You’re starting to make so much sense.
  • Bedtime for littles. Right on, noise machine! It sure is. I like it when you agree with me.
  • I need your flavor. Getting scared again. I don’t know if I want this thing talking to my kids. Nor do I want them being tasted by it.
  • Maria-ria. That’s not my name. Is it channeling ghosts now? You guys! I’m freaked out.

Not only am I terrified, but I feel like this freak show should have a name if I am going to publicly acknowledge that it talks to me.

Update (03/23/15): And her name is Maria-ria. Val, you are the winner!!! Send an email to so I can get them to you. Thanks for playing!

Holidays, Schmolidays

I love Christmas, I really do, but the holidays are such a stressful time for me for so many reasons. It’s not even the financial aspect of the holidays, I actually love bargain hunting and researching the perfect gift for everyone and strategically buying for my kids. It’s the other stuff that gets to me.

My husband’s family is split between Florida and Long Island. Because my parents are divorced and everyone has a problem with someone in the family, there’s really NO chance of spending any time with my family as a whole. I always feel a nagging sense of guilt that I would choose to spend the holidays with my in-laws versus my own family, but I like the traditions we have with them and want my girls to experience that. Maybe in the future we can extend the holiday and trek down to PA to spend time with my dad and sister, but it seems like a hell of a lot of driving to me and honestly, I am already too stressed out about all of the traveling we do.

In addition, traveling makes the Santa lie myth story difficult to pull off because depending on the day we leave, we might have to give the kids gifts early or late and then Santa comes to Grandma’s house, but then there’s also stuff at our house when we return home almost a week later. And what if we need to leave on Christmas Eve? When they’re older won’t they be looking for Santa’s sleigh in the sky? We’ve been telling them Santa only comes if you’re sleeping. It’s exhausting to me to have to continually maintain the story. I am a bad liar. Everyone knows that.

Then we add to the mix the overwhelming influx of new toys when they already have so much. My kids are spoiled. They have a ridiculous amount of toys. When anyone comes to visit, they bring toys to bribe my kids to open up to them (I’m looking at you, Grandmas). I am on an endless quest to rotate toys, get rid of broken toys, find lost puzzle pieces, and salvage toys they don’t care about so I can sell them at consignment so I can buy them more crap they won’t take care of because they are TWO and 10 MONTHS OLD. The struggle is real, my people. The toys don’t go away as fast as they come in. I don’t know how this will affect my kids. Are they going to be entitled little brats? Am I overreacting? I don’t know.

The worst part of the holiday season for me is the crushing disappointment when the holiday season is over and it’s just cold and cloudy for 4 more months. The toys aren’t new, the gift cards have been spent, we go home to Buffalo and are left to face the fact that we are stuck inside for the foreseeable future mediating fights over toys, cleaning up messes, and knowing that we will do it all over again next year.

I really don’t mean to be a Scrooge. I really am a Christmas nut. I just get exhausted by all of the sameness and start wishing the holidays to be over before they begin. Tell me I’m not alone in this!